Dear Makers of Fan4tastic.

Two nights ago I saw the reboot of the Fantastic 4, or Fant4stic as it’s being called, because it’s been too soon since the last one so if you didn’t distinct it somehow people would say it’s been too soon and realise movie studio’s don’t have a single creative brain cell in their heads.  Needless to say, like many comic book fans, movie buffs and people with self-respect I wasn’t best pleased by what I saw. As someone who has never owned a comic book in his life and as someone who doesn’t have the time of day to listen to all the copyright politics, I felt I should write you these instructions in order to for you to avoid a similar catastrophe in 5 years, when you inevitably reboot it again because of the previously mentioned copyright disputes.

I’m also going to put a spoiler warning in this letter, because nobody who saw this movie should want to claim responsibility for making it.

You can start by not even touching on Dr Doom. You made the same mistake twice in a row, trying to make up a simpler back story for the part time dictator, part time mad scientist, part time wizard, only to end up with a back story for a character that isn’t engaging for new audiences and makes the fan boys rattle their teeth in sheer nerdy rage. Next time, choose a simpler staple villain of the Fantastic Four’s or the Fant4sic’s. Yes I know that Dr Doom is like THE villain of the Fantastic Four’s, but doing him a backstory that would do justice to his comic origins is near impossible if you’re going to try and include him in the origin of another character. To establish him, you need to establish Latvaria, his origin in both magic and science and if you’re going to establish him in the same film as you’re establishing the heroes, you are just going to hit the hat trick with fucking this stuff up.

Which leads me to my second problem, that this film is all first act, show this film to someone who has no idea what it actually is, bleep out the names of the characters and see how long it takes them to realise this is a Fantastic Four film. Hell, get someone with no idea what the Fantastic Four is, see how long it takes them to realise this is meant to be a superhero movie, if they ever realise what it’s meant to be. Character origins are important, don’t misunderstand me but this isn’t effective in quickly establishing the heroes of our story so they can do the fun stuff that super heroes can do;

Kid Genius and friend make gate to other world by accident> Kid genius shows off at science fair> Genius gets scholarship> Genius tries to impress Female>  Backer has trouble in board room> Backer gets Brody Genius on board> Backers son does illegal stuff> Backer blackmails son on board>

I gave up trying to give you this films entire origin story for the Fantastic Four, because it’s the whole movie, padded to a degree that gives you the impression that pacing was a naughty word for this films writers. Either that or the film was trying to get as little of the Fant4stic in there as possible, which given that this film is basically selling you on the fact that there’s going to be super heroes is incredibly shameful. Sam Ramey’s Original Spider Man film did a far better job of this, closely following the comic book origin so the fan boys don’t go moo;

Nerdy boy is nerdy> Gets bit by spider> Realises he’s changing> Trys to profit off of it> His uncle dies due to his hubris> gets guilt complex.

SIMPLE! Now Spiderman can do all the fun things that he’s meant to do as a super hero, which people love and want to see in a movie about them.

Speaking of Spider Man, The reboot of that, Fan4tastic and Man of Steel all share a similar problem and I spy the new Star Wars film making the same mistake as well. VARY UP THE FUCKING LIGHTING! I’m sick of seeing films shoot everything in this dark blue hue and even film things in out door area’s like the sun itself didn’t want to be too badly associated with this film and so it made itself scarce. It doesn’t make your film adult or clever, your writing does that. I know decent writers cost more than the time it takes to put a blue filter on in post, but it leaves you with a product that looks abysmal and because so many other films are doing it, makes it look exactly the fucking same.

However, good writers are a fifth of the key ingredients to making a film. Two of the others are good directors and good actors. I’m not too sure who shit the bed here, weather the actors are complete incompetent sods or the directors are the ones to blame. Miles Teller as an actor is never a good choice, but as your ‘lead’ it’s downright suicidal.  The guy brings no life to his character, adds no flair or charisma and Miles Teller doesn’t work well with the neutral mask theory, so you’re left with a wad of cardboard masquerading as the protagonist.  I would try to criticize Kate Mara as Sue Storm, but her performance struck me so little that I can’t really say anything nice or mean about it. However you have Jamie Bell as The Thing, who was in Snowpiercer and gave a good performance there and I think Kebbell could have been a good Dr Doom if he was allowed to be good with it, that and given some baffling story beats and cinematography that offers about as much artistically as a pot of yogurt, you have to think the direction was lacking too.

But Ultimately, I think the real kicker in this film was the budget. Whether it be the lack of properly noteworthy names working on such a popular intellectual property or the effects that would have embarrassed the earliest uses of CG or the fact that the majority of the film is filmed in the same stupid white room, or the relative brevity of the experience. This strikes me as a very cheap film and there’s nothing wrong with a cheap film. Horror or comedies can be made really interesting on the cheap with a touch of good direction and competent acting and I am most certainly not saying that with the films lack of both that a stronger budget would have improved the product. But if this film is only being made so that someone or other can hold on to the film rights, maybe the rights aren’t worth keeping if you aren’t willing to take risks and spend a little more money on a good movie.  

If I’m wrong, you have nothing to worry about.

Sincerely

Will.